Charlie Brooker’s Epic Sun Rant
For any of you considering buying The New Sun on Sunday(an anagram of ANODYNE NEWS HUNT US, incidentally), don’t. “I was curious” or “I only read the sports” is not a good enough excuse. Every single copy purchased adds to their advertising revenue and a portion of it goes directly into the pocket of one Rupert Murdoch. Every single copy purchased is a foam-pie in the face of Decency.
If you are desperate to see a pair of massive tits, just google “pair of massive tits”. The first two pages of images are of David Cameron and Nick Clegg, but after that, I’m sure you will find what you are looking for.
And if you are hard-up for something to read this morning, for your delectation, here is Charlie Brooker’s magnificent ode from last week’s 10 O’clock Live, with the gracious permission of the man himself. Enjoy!
Some say it’s rich of The Sun to complain about witch-hunts, because it’s conducted plenty of them itself. But that’s really not fair. The Sun has never once conducted a witch-hunt against actual witches. I mean, okay, it has picked on one or two other groups, like…
Women in burqas
Public sector workers.
Spongers who sit around twiddling their thumbs
Anyone who’s had a fight
Anyone with cellulite
Satanists, who take the piss
So-called “expert boffins”
the escorts who let Frank Bough in
Anyone caught cheatin’
The England squad, the Goalie’s hands
The manager, the Hillsborough fans.
Speed cameras, reckless drivers
Snotty jobsworths, feckless skivers
Trendy vicars wearing knickers
The cast of EastEnders
Foreigners who can’t sing our national anthem
The French, the Portuguese
The Krauts, the MEPs
Anyone who lives in Spain
Or starts a human rights campaign.
Geeks, freaks, crackers, hackers
Former men with new vaginas
The local hoody
And cheating turds -
on disability benefits who don’t seem quite disabled enough for their liking.
Chris Jefferies, Russell Harty,
Members of the Green Party
Anyone who says: “recycle”
Wayward superstar, George Michael
Channel 4, ITV
Channel Five, the BBC
(Especially if they snuck into Britain using any kind of vessel)
Katie Waissel’s prozzie gran
Emperor Hirohito of Japan.
Non-existent feral cats
An innocent man called Robert Murat
The cast of The Only Way Is Essex
The Leveson Inquiry into media ethics
And the occasional supermodel bitches.