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Charlie Brooker’s Epic Sun Rant

February 26, 2012

For any of you considering buying The New Sun on Sunday(an anagram of ANODYNE NEWS HUNT US, incidentally), don’t. “I was curious” or “I only read the sports” is not a good enough excuse. Every single copy purchased adds to their advertising revenue and a portion of it goes directly into the pocket of one Rupert Murdoch. Every single copy purchased is a foam-pie in the face of Decency.

If you are desperate to see a pair of massive tits, just google “pair of massive tits”. The first two pages of images are of David Cameron and Nick Clegg, but after that, I’m sure you will find what you are looking for.

And if you are hard-up for something to read this morning, for your delectation, here is Charlie Brooker’s magnificent ode from last week’s 10 O’clock Live, with the gracious permission of the man himself. Enjoy!

Some say it’s rich of The Sun to complain about witch-hunts, because it’s conducted plenty of them itself. But that’s really not fair. The Sun has never once conducted a witch-hunt against actual witches. I mean, okay, it has picked on one or two other groups, like…

Social workers
Women in burqas
Left-wingers
Suburban swingers
Binge-drinkers
Forward-thinkers
Gypsies, shirkers
Public sector workers.

Underage mums
Overage mums
Spongers who sit around twiddling their thumbs
Anyone who’s had a fight
Anyone with cellulite
Looters
Saggy hooters
Feminists
Leninists
Satanists, who take the piss
So-called “expert boffins”
the escorts who let Frank Bough in
Anyone caught cheatin’
Angus Deayton
The England squad, the Goalie’s hands
The manager, the Hillsborough fans.

Speed cameras, reckless drivers
Snotty jobsworths, feckless skivers
Trendy vicars wearing knickers
Lezzers
Benders
The cast of EastEnders
Lesley Grantham
Foreigners who can’t sing our national anthem
The French, the Portuguese
The Krauts, the MEPs
Argentina
Polish Cleaners
Anyone who lives in Spain
Or starts a human rights campaign.
Geeks, freaks, crackers, hackers
Killjoys, pillocks
Toy-boys, Kinnocks
Moaners
Miners
Former men with new vaginas
The local hoody
Jade Goody
Jailbirds, nerds
Troubled song-birds
Long words
And cheating turds -
on disability benefits who don’t seem quite disabled enough for their liking.

AND 

Chris Jefferies, Russell Harty,
Members of the Green Party
Anyone who says: “recycle”
Wayward superstar, George Michael
Channel 4, ITV
Channel Five, the BBC
Over-eaters
Asylum seekers
(Especially if they snuck into Britain using any kind of vessel)
Katie Waissel
Katie Waissel’s prozzie gran
Iran
Emperor Hirohito of Japan.

Zealous coppers
Wife-swappers
Bureaucrats
Eurocrats
Non-existent feral cats
An innocent man called Robert Murat
The cast of The Only Way Is Essex
The Leveson Inquiry into media ethics
And the occasional supermodel bitches.
But never
Ever
Witches.

_________________________

6 Comments leave one →
  1. Poetjanstie permalink
    February 26, 2012 9:25 am

    Excellent and pithy commentary on that scurrilous rag and it’s owner (and son) – in this respect, very apt that you should mention a ‘massive pair of tits’ – love the poem!

  2. Poetjanstie permalink
    February 26, 2012 9:28 am

    Not so sure about ‘anodyne’, though…

  3. February 27, 2012 8:09 am

    Have they title to the word Sun -or do they lease its use from the bankers?

  4. February 27, 2012 7:30 pm

    Great stuff. I’ll be nicking it from you tomorrow afternoon – with attribution and links back of course.

  5. August 28, 2013 10:09 am

    While criticising tabloid newspapers for their general content Brooker could give the impression of covering News International and Murdoch. In fact he repeatedly refused to lampoon or satirically skewer anybody involved in the biggest corruption story of our times. He pulled the same trick with Rebecca Brooks – going on about her hair, rather than her corruption. Why? Well, he was working for Murdoch at the time. That might have had something to do with it. He was being PAID by Murdoch and pitching for more extremely lucrative work. cf Touch of Cloth. He’s stayed well clear of the big issues that might have made the Murdochs angry. He knows which side his bread is buttered.

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  1. Witch-hunts and The Sun | Blackwatertown

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