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The Tories and The Cannibals; A Joke, Revisited

March 29, 2012

Having observed how this government – and particularly Secretary for Foot in Mouth, Francis Maude – deal with the unions to avert crises, I am reminded of a joke. I have taken the liberty of adapting it for your delectation, dearest reader.


David Cameron, Andrew Lansley and Francis Maude are on a dangerous expedition through the Yorkshire wilderness. They are trying to locate the one firm which has received a grant under their Enterprise Zones scheme – an impossible and dangerous mission. With Lansley reading the compass, they soon get lost and are wandering around the jungle outside Leeds, aimlessly – they do everything aimlessly, but in this case it is literal.

As evening falls they are captured by a fearsome local cannibal tribe called YOO-NAIT (pronounced UNITE). They are hauled in front of its fearsome leader Haile McCluskie. He dismisses the tribe, so that he may address them in private. When it is only the four of them in the Conference Centre suite, McCluskie speaks:

“Gentlemen, we find ourselves in a difficult situation. Custom would have it that I skin you alive and make a canoe out of your hide. I have no choice but to satisfy this barbaric tradition, but there may be – how do you say in Whitehall – a hole in the loop? I must grant each of you a wish. Now, LISTEN CAREFULLY: If the wish is impossible to satisfy, I must grant you your life and set you free. Choose wisely.”

The rest of the tribe are allowed back into the hall. They are baying for blood – frankly, rather piqued that Pickles is not around, as that would be one hell of a canoe. Chief McCluskie asks each of the Tories to step forward and state their final wish.

David Cameron goes first. “I want a hot pasty from the West Cornwall Pasty Company”, he says.

Chief McCluskie wryly smiles knowing that the concession in Leeds station closed many years ago. He sets Cameron free.

Andrew Lansley steps forward next. I want to speak to someone who has read and understood the Health and Social Care Bill.

Chief McCluskie winks at him surreptitiously. They both know, no such person exists. He sets Lansley free.

Last to go is Francis Maude. “I want an ordinary fork”, he says, to everyone’s astoundment. “Are you certain?” asks the startled chief. “Plenty of those around…” he trails off. Maude nods and a fork is brought.

Suddenly, in a bloody frenzy, Maude starts to stab himself with the fork, over and over. He collapses to the floor, blood flowing from a dozen fresh, gaping wounds.

The chief bends over him and, with trembling voice, asks “Why? Why would you do such a thing?”

Through burbling, sputtering, red lips, Maude replies: “You’re not making a canoe out of me, you fucking prole.”


4 Comments leave one →
  1. Hairyears permalink
    March 29, 2012 9:38 pm

    It’s true: someone is pronged on the Internet.

  2. DBartlett permalink
    March 30, 2012 1:27 am

    One of Frank Carson’s best… Nicely repackaged to fit this shower of a “government”. The Government’s job, in traditional terms, is to quell panic, to solve crises, to fix problems. We don’t pay them to prune the roses, remind us how lucky we are, and count our money. We do NOT employ them to deliberatly create hysteria and panic. Maude and Cameron’s reaction to the fuel protest confirms my heartfelt belief that we are currently suffering the most disgraceful, pernicious, and incompetent government this country has EVER suffered. Sturdyblog, please remind me of how Maude made his millions… Stockbroker or something..? Anything that we might consider immoral? Please remind…

  3. March 30, 2012 8:57 am

    Extremely witty.

  4. Rob McD permalink
    March 30, 2012 7:37 pm

    Blair had blood on his hands, Francis Maude, Minister for the Furniture, Chaos and pencil arrangement, has clearly got time on his hands to go out and piss the entire population off.

    Words simply fail me, what a complete and TOTAL F***wit, he has to go. He, and his fellow incompetent duffers, are responsible for a woman tonight laying in a hospital bed with 40% burns.

    They knew this would cause panic, but did it anyway. Happy to sacrifice the odd worker just to improve petrol VAT receipts and to deflect attention away from their other divine inspirational (not) NHS screw-up, Pasty-gate and Granny bashing tax.

    But here’s a thing, the most terrifying aspect of all this, is that they still haven’t admitted they messed up. How’s that for conceited arrogance. Roll on George Galloway 2, 3, 4, 5……….650.

    We need a house of independents – not a house of bloodlines.

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